Fear and Belonging
by Kalira69
Summary: After more than twenty years, Kakashi finally has a suspicion about the soulmark he bears . . . but he can't bring himself to brave simply asking, even if there is no one he can trust more, or who knows him better. He has another plan to find his answers.


Written as part of a multi-fandom soulmate AU challenge. The prompt for this one was Strip. *clears throat*

* * *

"Eternal Rival!" Gai bellows as he bounds into Kakashi's apartment, the door crashing open.

Kakashi doesn't flinch. He's used to this. He's been friends with Gai since they were kids.

Well, he's _known_ Gai since they were kids. Friendship _happened_ somewhere along the way as Kakashi grew out of his sullenness and Gai his skittishness. Though he's long accepted it, Kakashi kind of wishes he knew how this . . . madman became one of his most important people.

Now one of the few of them still alive.

"You were not at the training grounds!" Gai points accusingly at him, and Kakashi arranges his manner into a soothing expression he knows is generally rather more aggravating than anything else. "You swore to me that today, after your recovery was complete, you would be prepared for another Challenge!"

"And I am." Kakashi says, smiling placatingly.

Gai hesitates, having clearly been ready to throw himself headlong into extolling the importance of Challenges and promises and Rivalship. He grins brightly instead. Gai is nothing if not resilient. "Wonderful! I was sure you had just been delayed!" he says happily.

Kakashi glances at the door, which had rebounded off the wall as Gai charged in and is now closed again. There may or may not be a new dent in his wall from the door, but if there is it blends in with the others Gai has left over the years. "I actually have a challenge in mind myself for today." he says as he looks back at his friend.

"Excellent!" Gai crows. He looks _delighted_. Kakashi can't help a smile, although he knows he is about to disrupt that glee. "I am prepared to rise to any challenge you might issue, my Rival!"

"I knew you would be." Kakashi says dryly. Gai puffs himself up with pride and happiness. There may even be tinge of wobbliness around his eyes. Kakashi eyes his friend carefully before issuing his . . . challenge. "Strip."

Gai freezes. "I. . . What?" he asks, less loud, the sparkle gone out of him. Temporarily, Kakashi knows. It's always temporary. Damn him, but he's come to find it almost _charming_ , by now.

"Strip." Kakashi repeats simply, moving closer - Gai doesn't retreat before him. He lifts a hand, and Gai watches him with wide eyes, but doesn't flinch. He hooks a finger over the high collar of Gai's spandex suit and tugs lightly. "You heard me." He smirks, lifting his chin and peeking down at the sliver of Gai's throat now visible where he's pulled the spandex out of place.

Gai clutches at his suit, and Kakashi fights down the urge to snicker even as he releases it. Kakashi has seen Gai mostly naked many times from when they were both very young - injuries, missions, onsen - but now Gai is acting mortified because Kakashi bared the column of his throat.

" _Kakashi_." Gai says, his eyes wide and disbelieving, one hand sliding up towards his neck, smoothing the spandex over his skin.

Kakashi smirks. "Are you forfeiting?" he asks, arching his eyebrow.

Gai looks conflicted and uncomfortable at the suggestion of it, and Kakashi feels a sliver of guilt for doing this in this way, _knowing_ it would push his friend. But he'd done it this way because he _needed_ the extra push.

"If you are, that will put me _two_ wins ahead." Kakashi presses, knowing Gai's pride hardly allows him to forfeit anyway, especially to Kakashi - his _Eternal Rival_ \- and to allow him to take the lead by two won challenges again? For the first time in over a decade? Kakashi had chosen to wait until he _was_ ahead to pose this 'challenge' knowing there was no way Gai would be able to back down with that at stake. No matter what Kakashi asked of him.

"No!" Gai shouts, though with slightly less than his usual vehemence - and volume. He looks uncertain, but tugs lightly at his own suit. "Why- What is this challenge?" he asks in an even quieter voice.

"I am not doing this to taunt you, Gai." Kakashi promises, and Gai looks startled, then smiles at him. Not broad and glinting, but familiar all the same.

"Of course you would not!" Gai says with certainty. It has been a very long time since Gai would have doubted Kakashi's motives that way, but Kakashi is still touched by the confidence in him. Most people wouldn't put it past him to fuck with even his closest friends for his own amusement. "I just do not understand why you would. . ." Gai glances down at himself.

Kakashi takes in Gai's dubious expression and then follows his gaze downwards. He thinks that as insane as the Noble Green Beast is, it has taken some very foolish people to not only miss how attractive he has grown from the awkward child he was once, but to convince him to miss it as well.

Because Kakashi _has_ another purpose - he wouldn't pull this if he didn't, not with his friend - but he thinks just getting the chance to appreciate Gai's body, without the spandex and legwarmers, or indeed anything, in the way, would be quite enough of an incentive for this . . . _challenge_.

"Just. . ." Kakashi begins. "I was thinking about . . . our being eternal rivals." He hesitates, feeling a shivery, burning sensation on the back of his neck.

Gai looks like he's teetering on hurt, but mostly still confused.

"Trust me?" Kakashi asks, wincing slightly, unable to put his suspicion into words. Not without seeing. . .

"Of course." Gai says, even and confident. His movements are a little less confident than his tone, and he won't quite meet Kakashi's gaze now, but he slides off his vest, and the legwarmers, and begins to strip off his spandex.

Kakashi can't look away, watching Gai's muscles flex and his skin being bared. Doesn't really _want_ to look away, anyway. The spandex might not hide much but there's something about seeing the impressive musculature directly. . .

It doesn't take long before Kakashi's real reason for this comes into view, though.

It's over his heart. Of course it is, Kakashi thinks, because he _knows_ Gai, knows him like no one else does, for all his boisterous openness.

Emblazoned over Gai's heart there sits a white dog half-hidden in shadows, its jaws open around a sparking ball of lightning which throws blue highlights on its bright fur. Kakashi moves closer, catching his hands as he begins to push the spandex, now just clinging at the crest of his hips, further down.

He would very much like Gai to continue, but appreciative as he is of the view, that is not why he's doing this - and he would rather Gai choose to do it of his own will, later. Gai looks at Kakashi's hands around his wrists, then up to meet his eye.

Gai is blushing, though Kakashi knows for all his reluctance today he is confident in his body. He should be - he has spent more time training it than most shinobi ever will.

Kakashi tries to smile, knowing Gai will read the expression despite his mask.

He squeezes Gai's wrists, then lets go. "My turn." he says smoothly, despite the tremor of uncertainty _he_ feels. He throws his own vest off quickly and hesitates for a only a moment before loosening the cowled neck of his shirt around his face and neck, then turning his back to his friend as he pulls it off over his head. He isn't hiding his face from Gai - he's seen it - he's offering something else.

The high neck of his shirt doesn't just stretch up to mask his face, it also covers his neck, clear up to his hairline in the back. A very deliberate choice - he could have had a separate mask, it would have been easier in some ways, but this also keeps hidden-

Kakashi drops his shirt to the floor and bows his head, just a little, to further expose the soulmark at the back of his neck. He hears Gai's breath catch behind him.

Gai's fingers gently brush across Kakashi's neck, pushing aside the messy spikes of his hair falling across the soulmark to fully reveal it.

Kakashi had spent weeks struggling to master the shadow clone jutsu as a child so he could get a good look at the soulmark. He knows what Gai is seeing now. A sunset reaches from Kakashi's hairline down his neck and out across his shoulders; at its centre a red-crowned crane spreads its huge wings wide, white feathers limned in the sunset's brilliant shades of orange and red.

"Kakashi. . ." Gai's voice is soft, and his fingers trail from Kakashi's neck out along his shoulders. "Rival. . ."

Kakashi's neck prickles at having someone so close at his back, but the warning is soft and easily dismissed, because it's _Gai_. He tilts his head, raising one hand, fingers curling over his own shoulder and nearly brushing Gai's hand. Gai's fingers tighten over his shoulder for just a moment, and then he releases Kakashi. Kakashi turns to face him again. Gai's eyes are a little wide, but there are no over-the-top displays of emotion.

"My challenge," Kakashi says, pressing his lips together and taking a breath, glancing at Gai's chest, eyes lingering on the intensely-familiar lightning held in the dog's mouth, "I've been thinking about you and I," he says again, "and I . . . wondered."

 _Now_ tears well in Gai's eyes. " _Kakashi._ " he breathes, his thumb rubbing over Kakashi's shoulder hesitantly.

"I couldn't just ask." Kakashi admits, because Gai deserves the truth and because he knows his own weaknesses. He didn't do it this way for his own amusement, he simply _couldn't_ have done it any other way. Gai touches Kakashi's cheek, and he doesn't look distressed. He knows Kakashi perhaps almost better than he knows himself.

"You could have." Gai says, but it isn't a recrimination. He reaches for Kakashi's hand and brings it up to rest on his own chest, over the soulmark there. "You can ask me for anything, Kakashi." he says, and Kakashi lets his hand stay there - Gai's chest is warm and solid - but can't bring himself to say anything.

"But you do not have to ask." Gai says gently, and Kakashi meets his eyes. "Is this what you-"

"Did you know?" Kakashi asked, looking down at the lightning showing between his fingers.

"Sometimes I do not think you understand what eternal means, my beloved rival." Gai says, his tone gently amused. "I have not . . . _always_ known." he admits, as Kakashi tries to suppress a wince away from him. "Kakashi, I had _you_ , in whatever way you were comfortable with. Whatever you could give me. That was all I ever wanted."

"I-" Kakashi begins, then falls silent. _I really don't deserve you_ , he thinks, but he never has, and Gai will never let him say it without an argument. "I'm sorry it took me so long." he says weakly. "I am not . . . always as clever as people think I am."

"You are a genius." Gai says chidingly, and Kakashi's lips twist. "And you accepted me as your Eternal Rival many years ago." he adds with a smile. Kakashi thinks about reminding Gai that actually he had not, but it doesn't seem to have mattered to Gai.

Kakashi had really just been unable to get _rid_ of Gai after their fathers had introduced them as children, and he had definitely tried - really, that alone had eventually made him curious about Gai. And kami knew that the slightest detectable flicker of hesitation gave Gai the encouragement his determinedly bullheaded self hardly needed.

"My friend." Kakashi says, and Gai makes a questioning face. "You have never been _just_ my rival. But also my friend."

"And you have never been _just_ anything to me, only Kakashi." Gai replies, clasping Kakashi's hand a little tighter. "What more would you ask of me here?" he asked, and Kakashi twitched. "Have we completed your challenge?"

Ah. That.

"I didn't actually plan this." Kakashi admits, flushing - and without the safety of his mask to disguise the rosy pink shading his cheeks. He had planned the _challenge_ excuse, but not . . . what to do after it worked, as he had been sure it would. Whether he found what he had suspected he might, or not.

"You do well when improvising." Gai says matter-of-factly. "And I am still your Eternal Rival." He grins. "What could you do that would be unwelcome?"

Kakashi looks at Gai, thinking _a lot, potentially_ , but not voicing any of those things.

"Is this what you want, Kakashi?" Gai asked softly, closing his hand over Kakashi's on his chest, his powerful heart throbbing under Kakashi's palm. The biggest heart Kakashi knows; a strange thing to find in a shinobi. "Did you only wish to know?" he asks, and the lack of judgement or expectation in Gai's face _hurts_.

"No." Kakashi says, with a faint crack in his voice. Gai nods, his expression not shifting but maybe going a little stiller. Kakashi shakes his head hurriedly. "I mean- No, I didn't . . . _just_ want to know." Gai's heartbeat steady under his palm is both grounding and _horribly_ distracting. "I don't know what. . . Or what _you_ want."

"I have always wanted you." Gai says simply. "You have been my dearest, and indeed for many years my only true friend." He touches Kakashi's cheek lightly, skin his mask would usually cover, and Kakashi meets his eyes again. "I cannot dissemble and tell you I would not wish for more of you," Gai's fingers brush down Kakashi's neck and along his shoulder, near the soulmark, "but only if it is freely offered."

Kakashi swallows, taking a moment to examine Gai closely, though he isn't tempted to uncover the Sharingan - as he is sometimes when faced with people who leave him uncertain - only to look with his own eye. "It is." he says, though he still isn't quite sure what this will be or how - _if_ \- he can even . . . work, with someone else.

But Gai deserves the world, even if he only seems to want one broken, sharp-edged shinobi, and Kakashi finds he is too weak to _not_ take what is offered, however afraid he is of getting close. Gai has _been_ close, for years - and Kakashi has seen him half-dead and still picking himself up, every time - it is far too late to shut him out.

Kakashi must admit to himself, at least - the truth of the soulmark had little to do with that. "I am." he adds.

Gai doesn't smile, but his eyes are damp and his hands - callused, rough, powerful - are gentle as he cups Kakashi's face. He bows his head, startling Kakashi, and gives him a feather-light kiss more suited to bestow upon a fairytale princess than Kakashi who can call down the lightning, who has little if any scrap of virtue left to his name, who-

Who cannot deny that the sweet, soft kiss makes his heart ache.

Kakashi's fingers dig into hard layers of muscle as he grips Gai's shoulder, and Gai makes a low, thick sound in his throat, his own fingers sliding to Kakashi's nape, brushing there gently. Across the soulmark Kakashi keeps so assiduously hidden.

His throat feels a little tight, and he pushes more firmly into the kiss without meaning to.

Gai gentles him again with a stroke along his jaw, and Kakashi gasps for breath against Gai's jaw, feeling as though he _has_ called down the lightning - save that this, rushing, overwhelming sensation that it is, doesn't _hurt_. Gai rests his brow against Kakashi's, his hitai-ate between them.

"Kakashi." Gai's voice is rich and soft, a tone that Kakashi has not heard from him before. He shivers faintly at the sound. "Is this what you want?" he asks, eyes sincere and shaded with concern.

Kakashi frowns. "Gai-" he begins, intending to remind Gai that he is not delicate, then breaks off. He loosens his grip on Gai's broad shoulder, which may have been tight enough to leave bruises, and brushes the backs of his fingers over Gai's cheek, then rests his free hand over Gai's heart. He only belatedly remembers that the soulmark is there, and his lips quirk. "I want you." he admits in a low voice. "I'm terrified," he adds, and he tries to give it a light lilt even as he looks down, but it is too true, "but I _do_ want you."

Gai looks like he might cry for a moment. It's strangely reassuring, after so many years of being around Gai's over-effusive emotional displays. He kisses Kakashi again, sweet but much briefer this time.

Kakashi takes a deep breath, closing his eye and fighting with himself, struggling to steady his nerves. It's _Gai_ , he reminds himself. If ever there was someone not to fear getting close, it would be painfully devoted, earnest, _steady_ Gai.

It is also more than a decade too late to worry about Gai's place in his heart, even if he has somehow managed for years never to consider that his trumpeting, proud crane might be for this ridiculous man. Kakashi has always been good at deceiving himself, when he must.

"I must admit," Gai says from so close Kakashi can almost taste the words, the low rumble of his voice, "while I have always been happy with what I have of you, I am . . . very pleased that you would. . ."

Kakashi opens his eye again and Gai smiles at him, slightly unsteadily. He doesn't have to ask to know that Gai would never have tried this himself - not only because the kind of underhanded trick Kakashi had used today is unlike him, but because Gai would never have tried to push Kakashi, not _this_ way.

Gai has somehow formed a very fine sense of where Kakashi can be swayed or bullied, and where even now trying will net only icy absence. Kakashi sighs a little and leans into Gai's body, suppressing a shiver of pleasure at the heat of Gai's bared skin full against his own from the hips upwards, nuzzling his cheek.

Gai knows where Kakashi is broken and how badly better than anyone else already, and he still _wants_ \- and Kakashi cannot deny that as true as his terror at the idea is, so does he. He doesn't apologise for taking so long.

Kakashi kisses Gai, nipping gently and then softening the contact once more. "I don't know _how_ you can want me," he says against Gai's mouth, and kisses him again when he opens it to respond, brows furrowing, "but . . . I'm pleased that you do."

Gai squeezes him so fiercely that his ribs creak, and Kakashi laughs quietly, wrapping one arm around Gai's shoulders and letting the other slide down to cover his heart - his soulmark - again. Gai's right hand drifts up his back until Kakashi knows his fingertips are brushing over Kakashi's own soulmark - it doesn't feel any differently, the touch there, but he has spent far more time than he will ever admit studying it and knows its reaches exactly.


End file.
